Saturday, September 11, 2010

On happiness

I have a lot of things to do and no time to do them, and yet I seem to find time to take a two hour nap on the couch. In my defense, it was raining, Saturday, and three o'clock. Which are prime nap-quality attributes. I awoke refreshed, and immediately went out and purchased a sample of dusty purple paint, if by "immediately" we are all of the understanding that it was a couple of hours later. B does not like this "feminine" color for the living room, but it makes me happy every time I look at the 2 x 2 patch on the wall, and so my living room  may well become dusty purple sometime in the near future. (is it dusty? or dusky? "her nipples were a dusky purple" -- well, that may be good for a corpse, but I think for the paint, I want to say dusky anyway. maybe)

Other things that make me happy:

chocolate and peanut butter, Panera, WDW

I mean, insanely happy. Not, like, pretty happy. Not I've-finally-colored-my-hair-again happy, or I just painted my toes sparkly silver happy. Or even God I love dunking my grilled cheese in tomato soup happy. And certainly not I am so drunk again on Sutter Home white zin and I don't care if it is the middle class Wild Turkey happy, which is pretty good for a while until the headache. Or sex happy, which, let's be honest, is not always happy, but sometimes more a matter of getting to the point, if you know what I mean. I'm not really a person who likes to get to the point; I enjoy rambling along and exploring other avenues, but much like conversation, sex needs two of you to both be interesting and sometimes, he would just like his mushroom-swiss burger and then check, please. Le sigh.

I digress. There are many types of happy. The cat who finds the best way to sleep is with his head tucked into the crook of your neck with his little paws under him while he purrs himself off to the Land of Nod? Happyyyyyy. This bra makes my tits look fucking AWESOME! Happy! (they aren't half bad, if I do say so myself, and I do) There is new thesaurus happy, as if there will be wonderful new words in this one that have never been in any thesaurus previous.

It's important to find the things that make you happy and go after them. Design your day to have them. For example, I am planning on having chocolate and peanut butter ice cream in Disney World next month. I am looking forward to this moment with nearly unbearable glee. I imagine sitting on a stone wall, in the midst of WDW, possibly by Cinderella's castle, as the sun goes down and ice cream is melting from my spoon into my mouth. Until then, I will have my small moments. Champagne in a small tumbler with my pork chops for dinner. The new lacy magenta underwear that makes my butt look nice (Target, $3, helluva bargain). Going out with the dogs in the yard after it's rained, and everything is green and gray and wet.

Because in between these moments, the depression will return, and I will think I will never make it out of this place, and I will wonder why the entire world seems hellbent on making my life miserable when I just want to be happy and not hurt anyone, and I will stare out the window and see nothing nothing nothing.

But when I turn back to look inside, hopefully, there will be dusky-nipple-purple walls that make me glow inside, and be calm, and there will be a pair of fuzzy purple socks to keep my feet warm, and the ghosts of good memories may surface -- for a moment.

Don't take the small happinesses for granted. And also, take a nap.



  1. This post (mostly) made me happy. :) (((hugs you)))

  2. Naps work wonders, yes. Weekend mornings I let the kids watch tellie for hours, plug my ears and sleep in, saves my sanity, that.

    Happiness? I have a zneaky zuzpicion... I think my ups and downs are very regular so I´ve started to mark extremely happy and unhappy days in my calendar. I think it might come down to my menstruation cycle, as trivial as that =)

    The stupid thing about me being unhappy is I feel so goddamn unworthy those days. Like I don´t feel I deserve any sympathy even though I rationally can see that it would help me feel better and people around me would gladly help. For instance, on good days I believe you write to me because you want to and might get something out of it, on bad days I think you do it because you have a strong sense of duty and feel obliged to take care of stray dogs =)

    I might actually be with B on the dusky-nipple-purple walls issue, but I love your enthusiasm about them. Go ahead, it won´t kill him!

    And our discussion on Jo´s blog makes my heart race in a happy way! I love it when people take time to think things through, turn them over and think again, and express their thoughts so that I might get new input =)

    I feel I can confidently use it here: *smooches*

  3. Sara: I strive for "mostly happy." :)

    Asuqi: I've done the same thing, and realize that my ups and downs are mostly related to which day/week of the month it is. And so I try not to do anything rash if it is peak depression time, but wait it out, like a little boat in a storm.

    I do have a tendency to take in stray dogs. In RL. :) In this other world, this one here we are currently conversing in, not so much. Too many of those stray dogs bit me. But there is one thing I do: when I see good writing, I want everyone to know about it. You see, I am selfish that way. I actually think that if I encourage someone, and if they were to write more and get more exposure, that I would get more of their writing. See how that works? On some of the archives, people just say, "More please! Where is the next chapter???" Me, I'm just a bit more subtle. :)

    I love our discussion over there. Even though Jo is wrong and there are definitely ghosts. I'm about to go over and tell her why ghosts and science go together. Do you think she'll buy it? *g*

    Also, your comments are SO wonderful. They provoke so many thoughts. I wish we could gather somewhere and have coffee or hot chocolate and let the conversation go. That -- that -- would make me insanely happy.

  4. Hear, hear! It is not the big things that make one happy, in the long run, but the little things that one can do each day. What you do every day is more important than what you only do once in a while.

    Napping is something I do on a daily basis, shortly after lunch, when my body feels sleepy and I just want to crash. So I do. If it's a fine day, I nap out on the chaise on the deck. Long naps, I generally take in bed; brief catnaps on the sofa. But I try to nap every day, because when I don't, I feel tired at the end of the day. I think that our bodies are designed to take siestas. Listen to your body!

    Other things that make me happy: wearing makeup every day, even if I'm not going anywhere. Because when I catch my reflection in a mirror, it depresses me if I don't look a certain way. Shallow, yes, but there you go. Making time to do the things I love, like reading, writing, drawing, is important, too. It's easy to relegate one's own interests to the back burner in favor of one's partner's or because one has chores to do. When I do that, I feel like a martyr, and anything BUT happy. So I try to schedule in some "me" time every day. It's not selfish, it keeps me (relatively) sane.

  5. My goal is to nap every afternoon, but some days it's not possible. But I think you're right, that our bodies are designed to take siestas. After that, one can stay up a bit later, and night is such a creative time (for me).

    I agree about the make-up. Some days I think that I will let my skin "breathe" (and I don't even wear foundation) and be natural, but then I catch a glimpse of me, and it's not good, LOL! But good make-up days, mm, they make you feel so powerful, don't they?

    I tend to do chores first, and run out of time. I know that you're right, and making time for myself is important, but I admit I forget about that until I'm far too stressed.

  6. ”I wish we could gather somewhere and have coffee or hot chocolate and let the conversation go. That -- that -- would make me insanely happy.” Me too! One day… =)

  7. Of the freedoms I miss the most, post-kid era, are definitely the naps! I think we'd all have a little more happiness in us if we could nap everyday.

    For the record, I would want my nipples to be described as dusky, not dusty:) Go for the dusky purple! It can be changed, right?

  8. Erin, if the day comes when I write about your nipples, rest assured I will describe them as "dusky" (pink if you are alive, purple if not).

    I think we are biologically programmed to take naps. Unfortunately, the world no longer understands this. :( I don't have kids, but barking dogs often make things difficult. Ringing phones. Fed Ex guy at door. New text message... Grr.