I have a lot of things to do and no time to do them, and yet I seem to find time to take a two hour nap on the couch. In my defense, it was raining, Saturday, and three o'clock. Which are prime nap-quality attributes. I awoke refreshed, and immediately went out and purchased a sample of dusty purple paint, if by "immediately" we are all of the understanding that it was a couple of hours later. B does not like this "feminine" color for the living room, but it makes me happy every time I look at the 2 x 2 patch on the wall, and so my living room may well become dusty purple sometime in the near future. (is it dusty? or dusky? "her nipples were a dusky purple" -- well, that may be good for a corpse, but I think for the paint, I want to say dusky anyway. maybe)
Other things that make me happy:
chocolate and peanut butter, Panera, WDW
I mean, insanely happy. Not, like, pretty happy. Not I've-finally-colored-my-hair-again happy, or I just painted my toes sparkly silver happy. Or even God I love dunking my grilled cheese in tomato soup happy. And certainly not I am so drunk again on Sutter Home white zin and I don't care if it is the middle class Wild Turkey happy, which is pretty good for a while until the headache. Or sex happy, which, let's be honest, is not always happy, but sometimes more a matter of getting to the point, if you know what I mean. I'm not really a person who likes to get to the point; I enjoy rambling along and exploring other avenues, but much like conversation, sex needs two of you to both be interesting and sometimes, he would just like his mushroom-swiss burger and then check, please. Le sigh.
I digress. There are many types of happy. The cat who finds the best way to sleep is with his head tucked into the crook of your neck with his little paws under him while he purrs himself off to the Land of Nod? Happyyyyyy. This bra makes my tits look fucking AWESOME! Happy! (they aren't half bad, if I do say so myself, and I do) There is new thesaurus happy, as if there will be wonderful new words in this one that have never been in any thesaurus previous.
It's important to find the things that make you happy and go after them. Design your day to have them. For example, I am planning on having chocolate and peanut butter ice cream in Disney World next month. I am looking forward to this moment with nearly unbearable glee. I imagine sitting on a stone wall, in the midst of WDW, possibly by Cinderella's castle, as the sun goes down and ice cream is melting from my spoon into my mouth. Until then, I will have my small moments. Champagne in a small tumbler with my pork chops for dinner. The new lacy magenta underwear that makes my butt look nice (Target, $3, helluva bargain). Going out with the dogs in the yard after it's rained, and everything is green and gray and wet.
Because in between these moments, the depression will return, and I will think I will never make it out of this place, and I will wonder why the entire world seems hellbent on making my life miserable when I just want to be happy and not hurt anyone, and I will stare out the window and see nothing nothing nothing.
But when I turn back to look inside, hopefully, there will be dusky-nipple-purple walls that make me glow inside, and be calm, and there will be a pair of fuzzy purple socks to keep my feet warm, and the ghosts of good memories may surface -- for a moment.
Don't take the small happinesses for granted. And also, take a nap.